In the natural order of life our parents and their generation pass on before ours, and when the last family member of our parent’s generation is gone, we become more aware of our own mortality and of how little we know of our parents and their lives in the world in which they were born. Yet they and their world influenced the people we grew into. A child of an immigrant family of limited means is raised in a environment different from a child of an affluent, locally educated family, and has a very different perspective. But the influences that are likely to matter most are the values that the child’s parents absorbed from their own upbringing. Sometimes we recognize and understand our parents’ values and other times we wonder why they are adamant about certain things. Children in the same family will respond differently, based on their personalities. What we know of our parents and our grandparents helps us to understand who we are and why we were raised the way we were. When we have our own children, we may look back at how our parents raised us and adopt what we think they did right and reject what we see as shortcomings.
My parents placed strong emphasis on education. We were expected to do well in school and anything less than all A’s on our report cards was unacceptable. We came to know that in the world in which they were raised, illiteracy was common, particularly among women. Both of my parents were fortunate to have had an elementary school education, which was uncommon in the society in which they were raised, where men were thought to need education more so than women. To them, education was a privilege. In this new world, where education was an entitlement, they expected their children to take full advantage of the opportunity, which meant that we were expected to excel. This applied to daughters as well as sons. In other aspects of life my parents adopted the greater constraints on daughters that their upbringing had instilled. I had greater difficulty with these constraints than my sister did, as I was more rebellious.
When we are young we expect our parents to care for us; we do not see them as people with hopes, dreams, lives, and interests beyond us, but see only how they relate to us and we to them. As we get older they may tell us a bit about their lives before we came to be, but often it is not until we have our own separate lives and families that we begin to have interest in their lives before us. We do not encourage them enough to talk to us about their youth and what life was like then for them, and they may pass on before we even think to ask questions. But when the entire generation has passed on, we are left to reflect on what we know and what we wished we knew. Thus, we might want our children to know more about their heritage, even if they do not express much interest. It may be that recognition of our mortality urges us to tell our story, so that, when we are gone, our story will speak to them when we cannot.
The world is ever changing, but in the last century technology has accelerated the rate of change experienced by each generation. As we get older, we become more resistant and less adaptable to change. Some of this resistance is the result of clear-headed assessment of relevance to us, and some arises because we have a comfort zone we do not wish to leave. As we look back over our lives, we see how different our world was as children, how much life has changed, and we assess these changes based on what we valued growing up. We feel less constrained to conform, and we adopt what we like and ignore what we do not.
Our children are more likely to focus on our resistance rather than our adaptation. They may view our resistance to change to be the result of encroaching mental and/or physical infirmities and become patronizing in their interactions with us. Though they may be more capable in some respects and may seek a dominant role, allowing them to do so can be to our detriment. If they convince us we are less capable than we really are, they may cause us to become so. It is in our best interests to resist! Yes, they are the generation that has greater influence in society, and we are the one whose influence is waning, but we still have much to offer.
Over time, when we no longer are raising children, and are free of the associated demands, we have the opportunity to put our life in perspective. We sense what is important and what is not from our perception of the world as we experienced it. We can reflect on what we have accomplished and what we wished we had done differently. With that reflection comes a better understanding of life, its opportunities and its limitations. We come to know that what we do with our lives is affected not only by family and upbringing, but also by the environment in which we find ourselves, our schools, neighborhoods, social activities, people we meet and interact with, and our own unique personalities and abilities; all of which define both opportunities and constraints for what we do. Sometimes we are quick to reject the values of the preceding generation as “old-fashioned” or obsolete. However, as life goes on, we may come to a different understanding and see that some values may be timeless. We also become aware that for much in our lives there is a last time, which we only know when it has passed:
For the Last Time
Bicycle securely locked in place
Ice skates carefully hung
More than five years, less than ten
Did not know then
It was the last time
Weekend shared, come to an end
Hugs, kisses, cheerful farewell
Soon together again
Did not know then
It was the last time
We live the joy of that day
And know not the sorrow
That is to come
The day we know
It was the last time.